when the ex comes back

[legionuvdoom]

I know everyone has a different experience, but I was curious about something. For the people who have been going through this crap for awhile, and in some cases the ex comes back, usually after ur already over them, and involved with your own life. Do u find that the ex comes back because they realize the mistake they made, or is it because the relationship with the om/ow didn't work out?

[riversandlakes]

i've asked that Q sometime back. it seems ojarians have not reached that stage yet

i too would like to know very, very much.

though my fellow heartshattered once told me 80% of those who cheat on their partners will not end up well. they will continue their "search" for something only they know...
the other 20% must have done something very blessed...

[SoccerGirl]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one here who was dumped but not for another person.

I wonder if it would be easier if he had left me for someone else.

[legionuvdoom]

that twenty percent of the cheaters find happiness? i'm not disputing you, just curious if that's what you meant? I think that blows if that's the case, they should be miserable.

[riversandlakes]

oh, he's not even sure the source he is quoting from, so that stat is fuzzy...

i agree totally with you, legion. none of the cheaters deserve happiness, for the ocean-deep pain they cause another innocent (in the relationship, that is) used-to-be-well human being. until they grow up to appreciate the present, why do they get to find happiness?!

[kerplunk]

hey

[riversandlakes]

I was more than happy to tell her exactly where she could go with that.

what did you tell her to go with that? interested...

[sourpuss]

well, my stbx has not come crawling back, but my answer is both/neither.

i think many leave (cheating or not) becuase they know they are unhappy but do not know why.  

when something isn't right in our lives, quite often the marriage suffers, creating problems that were not there before, giving the feeling that somethign is wrong with "the marriage".  ie, if one is unappreciated or overburdened, one might pick fights with the spouse (unconciously) to get attention.  the other spouse feels picked at and withdraws further.

i think these people come back because they realize that they aren't any happier on the outside of the relationship, so maybe that wasn't the problem.

the flaw in that theory is that they STILL don't know why they are unhappy, and the same pattern will repeat itself.

round and round it goes.....

[kchopper5]

Well I just went through this. My stbxw tried to come crawling back after she discovered that the OM wasn't all she made him out to be. It took me 4 days of being together with her that she just didn't seem sincere. I do think she realized that she didn't know what she had until it was gone but I also believe she is petrified to have to fend for herself without someone holding her hand through all the curveballs life throws you.

I did some soul searching and realized that I don't think it is the 8 months of her getting boned by another man that is unforgivable it is the words and comparisons and the justifications she used to do it that is unforgivable and unforgettable.

[riversandlakes]

"I did some soul searching and realized that I don't think it is the 8 months of her getting boned by another man that is unforgivable it is the words and comparisons and the justifications she used to do it that is unforgivable and unforgettable."

Your soul-searching found the truth. it was the level she could stoop that was shocking. the grabbing of even thin air moleculese to justify cheating. it made me wonder, "who the h*ll is this?!"

my ex didn't tell much about her past before me, but at that time i thought she did, and i guess i should have seen this red flag. so i guess she has shared herself before me - no big deal.

it's the lies, and the lack of remorse...

[Lome]

My husband came back on June 1. He says that he was miserable without me....and he came to see that the problems he faced came from within himself.
He left his mistress....She begged him not to (and has been trying to gain his attention, still)

We are happy.  I was able to forgive him of he affair.....I love him and married for life...

Now, am I setting myself up?  Could be.  Is my mind still a mess?  Yes.
I would rather fight for my marriage with my eyes open and aware that there is an enemy than to quit without ever knowing why.

Now......do I want vengence?  Jean Claude, my pet alligator, just can't stand another bite....he is just stuffed.  Now, I would not want Jean Claude to get a tummy ache, would I?

Just keep this in mind....Karma happens.

[kittenpants]

i think these people come back because they realize that they aren't any happier on the outside of the relationship, so maybe that wasn't the problem.

My ex has not completely come back, but we are talking about it.  What Sourpuss said is exactly the case.  It didn't take him long to realize I wasn't the cause of his unhappiness.  He is now exploring that, and it seems to be working..  Fingers crossed.

[clb]

Soccorgirl- you are not alone, my ex did not cheat, or so he says.  He left me because I was the cause of his unhappiness.  I think he has some psych issues and blames it all on me.  Seven months have passed since he told me he needed a divorce in order to not go insane, and three months since we have been seperated.  He still has not filed or done anything to proceed.  I am hoping that maybe he is having second thoughts and will come back but I think he just to damn lazy!  But I have thought what I would do if he'd come back.  Most of the time I would take him back in a heart beat, but I would be worried that this problem would occur again.  I think I would have to insist that he go to therapy. I truely love him, but the pain he has caused in me and the trust and naivety that I have lost becasue of him will be hard to get over even with how much I love him, but then again I believe in the sancity of marriage and our vows through good times and bad.  But the problem is he does not.  He actually said he didn't vow to loose his mind in the process!   
Sorry for such a long answer!

[ChiefWiggum]

I believe my x came back because she realized the mistakes she made, but I believe that realization caused her new relationship to breakup, so I'm not quite sure how to answer your question.

CW