Decisions...

[Feel]

It's been almost 8 months of my husband and I being seperated...  we have a little boy who can't stand to not see us together and when I look in my husbands eyes I know he still has a concience. But then I second guess myself again.

He had an affair, not sure when it actaully started, but this girl has done everything in her power to keep him in her grip...  What I mean by this is she has gone to no estent to even say she will commit suicide.  ( you are probably thinking what a crock but if there is aything that I do beleive still from him is that).

I love him dearly and I feel I can't make a decision to let go.  Do I want to NO and YES!  I feel I am in LIMBO and I feel he still wants tokeep me around.

I did make the first step to go see the lawyer but my husband gets the better of me.  This isn't the man I married but he won't admitt to everything and I have tried numerous times to have him talk to me, and I have gone to no extent to have him return home before I feel I need to just go through with the seperation!

I am confused!  I am uncomfortable with my decisions up to now.  He still comes home and I feel like a fool by allowing this to go on this way.  There have been times where he disappears, doesn't even call to see how his son is and then when he does call he is trying his best to act like nothing happened, this way he can see me.  And I say me first because I think he uses his son as an excuse!   He never takes our son by himself and when everything is set for him to do something with his son, he ends up telling me that I need to go along too...  we are a family!

How can this be a family???  I am loving a life with my husband that feels more like a corting relationship!

I want to put this behind us and start fresh but how can I be sure.  Everytime he leaves my site I wonder if he is using another phone to call her, if he sees her even if there only is those 5 minutes....

There is so much more but I just don't know where to start and what more to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  help please!

[dgiirl]

Feel, i'm sorry for so much pain you are going through.  Divorce and separation is very hard, but sometimes it's through the difficult times where we become strong and learn more about ourselves and what we want out of life.

Right now, your husband has the best of both worlds.  He has a girlfriend when he wants it, and he has a marriage and family when he wants that.  It's not fair to either side, and he's the only one winning.  You need to figure out where your boundaries are and stick to them.  Having a part time husband is definitely no way to have a marriage.  There's a great book called "Love must be tough".  It explains a lot about your type situation and gives a solution to resolve it.  I'd check it out at your local library and read it!  It basically describes you have to stand up for yourself and decide what YOU want out of life.  I know you are scared to lose your husband if you dont let him see this other girl, but you will lose him if you continue to do so too.  He's going to start to lose respect for you and will eventually walk away.  Read the book.  It explains it a lot better than I can.

[justagirl]

I don't know how much your story rings true to me right now.  I'm in a similar position.  My husband found someone else, and flat out refuses to eliminate her from his life - he says they are just friends now (she is married as well) and I should be able to get over that he thought he was in love with her.

But he still wants to be with me ("because he loves me") and our daughter.  He refused to move out, and wants to still do things together.  I think this is because his parents got divorced and had a fairly civil relationship after the divorce, participating in family events together.  But, my husband also disappeared, wanting to have the freedom to go out more and travel more on his own whims.  He didn't (and still doesn't) understand that being gone as much as he is affecting her as well.

So now we are in counseling, but I'm struggling with the same question - okay, so now things have slowed down, and I have to decide if I can get over this.  it's finally now in my court. 

It is true that right now he has the best of both worlds.  And it may be difficult to do, but you may need to eliminate your "wife/family" world so he can see what it would be like without you, or what the divorced life is really like.  And you can see it too - that it is doable, and you can make it on your own and find happiness with or without him.

[summerparis]

Dear Feel, like it or not, you do need to make a decision, for your own well-being and for that of your child's.

You are allowing yourself to be walked all over because you are not declaring your boundaries.   You are keeping yourself in limbo while your husband plays with your heart and emotions.  I believe he is only prolonging the inevitable, possibly to ease his conscience.

In the future, you will realize that a man who would be willing to treat you, your son and your marriage like this is not worthy of your love.   

Stand up for yourself and for your son.  You have to let him know that this situation cannot continue.  I hope I don't sound harsh.  I don't mean to be.  But a man who truly loves you has to show it with his behavior and his actions.  A man who is committed to saving your marriage would cut off contact with his "friend."  There's no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Best of luck Songbird

[lumpy]

   Have you pinned him down and told him how you feel? Don't be his puppet. Force him to make a decision one way or the other. It's either me or her. Divorce sucks but limbo is worse.

[helpmehelphim]

You've been given some great advice already and I will put in my 2 cents worth...he has to cut contact with the other woman!

As the one who cheated, I am trying to help my husband cope and recover, and I cannot imagine his trying to accept what happened if I was not willing to sever any remaining relationship with the other man.

If it were a work situation, where contact could not be avoided, I would even suggest a job change!

It's got to be one way or the other, he can't keep you in limbo!

[withoutyou]

Dear feel, I feel your should come out with firm decision.Love is like war.. if u feel defeated then no other way other then come out of bettle.As a man i feel like you havent tryed your best..mostly in such cases man (such type man)wants 'girlfriend' rather then 'wife'...so they diffrenciate wife and girlfriend.. you might have remain his girlfriend before u got married.. would u like to access those period? what you find diffrence in yourself as GF and wife... what you think is changed in you after getting merried to him? If i do access your husby's beheviour from your verson, i find some lakeing part is .. why u still love him? why you have not knowledge of his such behaviour before u get married to him? If, you say he was good then, it might something happned which changed him so... then go back to you and try to find out what makes him so changed? I noticed in human relationship that few ppls can act both 'GF and wife' / BF and husbund' at a times...I think your hubby need GF and wife together.... have you tryed to be his GF even you his wife? Dont think i am in fevour of him.. but as nutral adviser i would like to see his verson also...You migh have got here advises from similar ppls who suffuring like you.. so might they have 'yellow glass' on thier eyes....Try to be come out from 'yourself' and try to access his verson also....this might help you.. i giving u this advise cos divorse is last weapon to use to ourselves..... If i was suffurer like your i would like to give u advise to get out from this and that would be natural cos its makes me satisfied too !

[ti-poux]

You are allowing yourself to be walked all over because you are not declaring your boundaries.   You are keeping yourself in limbo while your husband plays with your heart and emotions.  I believe he is only prolonging the inevitable, possibly to ease his conscience.

I totaly agree with songbird.

He is being very selfish and it sounds like he is using you...don't you think you deserve better than that...and so does your son...I needs a good role model and that does not sound like one.

Best of luck

Ti-Poux

[lostboy]

It sound's as thought your Husband is having his cake and eating it too. It really is time to put your foot down and show some back bone in this situation.

If you don't he WILL continue to think he can run you and run all over you.
Enough is enough and you need to make that evident through your actions.

It's not fair that he treats you this way and it's about time you let him know it for the sake of your future and your sons.

What he  is doing is nothing short of emotional abuse.
You NEED to make a decision. The longer you stay in this situation the more he will erode your self confidence.

I'm quite certain you could do better for your self.
I know you deserve better..

Keep Well,

Lostboy