What she let him do

[tirisfal]

An audacious, adventurous, independent 19 year old girl meets a 19 year old boy. They fall in love. The beginning is great.  Flowers, dinner, dates, laughter, communication, happiness.

Then it begins...six months into the relationship the yelling starts.  Ok, they are fighting, it happens, no big deal.  A year in, he is threatening to leave at the end of every argument.  Tells her he doesn't need her.   She joked with him once before they started dating that she wanted to go to France, she had heard a rumor that the men were true gentlemen, handsome to boot.  He began screaming at her during her fights asking her why she just doesn't go find "Mr. Europe".  Clearly, he said she needed to because he wasn't good enough for her.  The manipulation began.

The time frame becomes jumbled in memory. Fights became more intense, he'd scream so close and so loud she could feel his spit and hot breath on her face, his screams would echo in her ears for hours.  She decided to leave.  But couldn't. Didn't. Wouldn't. 

He wants sex, she doesn't. She says no.  No. He does it anyway. She is humiliated. Once his friend was asleep right in the same bed.

She had spinal surgery, as the nurse pulled her out of the sleep from surgery, her eyes open long enough to tell her Dr. he looked like Doogie Howser.  Even though she cannot see him, this love of hers, he kisses her cheek and leaves her lying there in the hospital recovery room.  Goes with a friend of his to have dinner with several others.  None of which knew his fiancé had just had spinal surgery. 

He got her so drunk, she couldn't remember what year it was. She tried to go home to an apartment she had moved out of two years prior.  He let two of his friends have their way with her. 

She tries to leave. She can't.  No, it makes no sense.  She loves him, he needs her. He is angry. He is such good guy in there.  She knows she can make him come out and play.

The fights progress.  He pins her down on the bed by the throat, choking her until she has an asthma attack.  Then tells her she is f'king faking.  Now, she is going to leave, that's it.  He buys her things to apologize. Always buying things, expensive things. He is sorry. He doesn't mean what he does. He calls to apologize.

They move, he chokes her again, slamming her head on the wall, giving her a black eye and storming out of the house screaming insults.  He sits outside in the woods and watches her from the window, while she worries about where he went.  She was always taking care of him.

He starts talking to his friends.  She is a bitch, worthless, controlling, lying, slut.  She is cheating on him. She must be. She wont let him see his parents. His parents begin to hate her for keeping him from them.  She knows none of this.  He talks when she isn't around and smiles when she is. His friends pretend they have never heard anything.

She gets up on her wedding day and pleads with her friend to take her to the airport.  She can't drive herself. Her friend will not help her. She cannot help herself anymore.  She is too scared, too worn down.  She walks down the isle.

He chokes her some more. Saying he doesn't hit her, doesn't beat her. Because choking isn't hitting. So she cannot claim abuse. He breaks her stuff in fits of rage. Screams at her as she cries telling her to stop being so sensitive, everything hurts her feelings. He throws her on the floor knocking her unconscious and leaves the house.

That's it. She wants a divorce.  But what will people think.  What will her family say.  They, them, not about her.  Her self-esteem has left with all of the bruises and  broken glass.  She is nothing now.  Nothing but what he says she is.  A slut. A bitch. A whore. He's told her this, in public and private. But never around his family.

She gets screamed at by his mother, and when she tells his mother to talk to him about hitting his wife, his mother says, it can't be that bad. Don't exaggerate.

[tirisfal]

She becomes ill. She is in hospital, he leaves her there.  Again.  She gets in an accident on the way to work, he gets pissed because people are looking for her. She must be faking.  F'ing bitch is playing hooky from work.  She needs a ride to the doctors, she is too dizzy to drive. Has to call a friend who leaves work and drives for 45 minutes to take her half an hour to the doctors and then back again.  She is pulled out of work. He says she was faking and doesn't need the medication.
   
She has become so withdrawn.  He cannot figure out why she doesn't want to have sex with him.  He leaves two days before her birthday, for two weeks to stay with a friend.  Gets, drunk, does what he wants, and comes back like nothing happened.  She told herself she wouldn't let him.  She does, she is ashamed of who she is and what she has let him do to her. She had promised herself she wouldn't live like her mother. She wouldn't spend her days curled in a fetal position as he screamed and threw and broke things. Wouldn't tolerate being abused, emotionally or physically. She promised herself.

A year later, after more fights, more screaming, more tears, he leaves again. He is gone for 2.5 months. She files for divorce, gets her own place, a well paying job and moves on. Happy.  Healthy. He comes back.  She thinks he has changed. He says he has, and she loves him.  A month and he is the same. Lying, backstabbing, screaming, choking, a--hole. She is walking on eggshells. Sullen, withdrawn, praying death will come.  She has become nothing she imagined.  Everything she said she wouldn't. She is beaten and battered.

Another year like this passes, and he leaves again. Because she got mad. She screamed at him.  All of the anger bottled up from the previous eleven years came out.  All of the hurt, shame, guilt, pity, blame. It oozed from every pore.  She screamed at him.  He hadn't touched her intimately in months and for that she was glad.  She of course must be cheating, she is after all, every single thing he told his friends for years behind her back.  She is nothing.  She falls apart. 

People in their small community look at her. They all know what she did.  Everyone except her.  She had been unfaithful and didn't know it. He said so much to everyone else.

It's been 11 months since he left.  She is still ashamed at what she let this man do to her. What she gave to him. How she played the victim.  How she wanted so much to believe his words, because to her he didn't lie. He was everything. 

She cannot go into town still.  The shame of what a man can do. The shame of what a woman let a man do.

Now.  It's gonna be a long, long way to happy.


Been staring at this board since it was put up. Afraid to post my abuse.  Ashamed of myself.  I am a long way from that naive 19 year old.  I am a long way from the woman I was when he left.  I don't want pity... I just want, I dunno, to not be ashamed of who I am.

[icwtsmnl]

You took a really courageous first step.  You let it out in the open.   You are well on your way to making things "right" in your life and throwing away the shame.   Keep moving forward.  You have it in you.

[Feel]

wow....  I hope that you are ok now and you are able to move forward, what about your family, don't you have any?

[KimPossible]

Wow.  I really don't know what to say.  Except this:

You are amazing, and have come such a long way.  Your spirit is unbelievable.  I thought that after we met, before I really knew what you had ben through.    I don't know what else to say.

I was thinking of you the other day, when I needed a basement wall and a bottle of beer tho 

[TeddyR]

FB,I knew you had your problems with your ex,but never envisioned anything like this.A sad,sad testament of what one human is capable of.

You are truly an amazing Women,with limitless strength and courage to have endured such a horrific nightmare.I'm certain you still bare the scars from 11 years of that hell.By reading your posts,it's obvious you have a high degree of intelligence,a very caring heart towards all and a great comical personality.

You've beaten the odds to overcome such adversity.I am glad you are so far beyond those dark days now,with many opportunities awaiting you and many many happy years yet to embrace.

[katelyn]

Beaten the odds is an understatement.

When I feel ashamed of the past, I think about where I'd be without it. Ignorant, probably. Be proud of yourself for the strength you've gained and the past you conquered. Most people would be in a flippin' mental institution. And look at you! You're flourishing and fabulous. 

[tirisfal]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this and respond.  Damn, it was not easy putting it all out there, even though I've discussed it with some before.

Your encouraging words mean so much to me. It's been a long road to get to where I am now.  I know I have many miles left in front of me, but I'm finally starting to feel like I am ok. 

I do have family feel.  They have been very supportive through my divorce, however they wanted no part of it during my marriage.  They were quick to tell me after it ended how much of an a--hole he is.     I remember asking for a place to stay and being turned down time and again.  Everytime I would get a job during my marriage and start to feel independent and like I could support myself, he would get scared and I'd be forced to quit. 

It is so easy for me to look at abusive marriages/relationships and say, 'why doesn't she/he just leave?!'  It just isn't that easy.  The manipulation in mine was so intense, I stopped believing in myself as an individual human being.  Essentially I had become him.  After he left the last time and I filed for divorce, someone asked my what my favorite color was.  I didn't know. It had been green for years. Because that was his favorite. He would use every word I said against me somehow.  Everyone of my actions became a weapon.  "Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right." 

So much of it is comfort and fear.  I lived in that pain for so long, it became a comfortable pain. I knew what to expect, what not to do, how to act.  I was used to it.  It was easier. It's a hard concept to grab I know.  Leaving and being alone and on my own was not a comfortable pain. It was scarey. It was unknown.  My therapist works with abused women and children. She said it's the same thing if you ever watch an abused child removed from the home.  The majority of the time the children will cry for their parents, the abusers.  Because it's what they know. They love them, they think it's normal.  My life had become normal to me.  My mom was abused by my dad as well, so it just seemed right.

Anyway I am rambling again, I still have a hard time taking compliments  .  With the help of so many of you and my support structure at home I have developed so many new tools to work with.  I have a completely different view about everything.  And I wouldn't change any of it. Because I wouldn't be who I am now without it.

You guys totally rock.  Thanks for reading.

[Spooky]

Shit. Not even sure what to say. That had to be difficult to put down and I admire you for it. You know where to find me if you think there's something I can do.

[katelyn]

I know what you mean it becomes normal. And normal becomes abnormal.

Take a compliment. You are truly a surviver and be proud of yourself. Download Beyonce's song and play it loud and know that is you she's talking about! Lol....   

[bluskygrl]

You truly are free now!

{{HUGS}}

Blu

[Snibs]

To see how far you've come is amazing, FB.  It must have taken a lot of strength to get this out.  Now that you've done that, I truly hope your mind has been freed of these feelings, and that you can continue building yourself back up.

[flyaway]

hugs, FB!!  You're very cool, and I hope I get to talk to you more, soon.     I know you're taking a few courses right now, so you're probably busy.   


luv you!!

flyaway 

[Cherry]

I am crying while I read this and my already huge admiration for you has grown!!  You are an amazing woman and I know how hard it must have been to post this.  You have shaken off the last of the shackles FB and the future belongs to you. 

People like us will carry these scars forever, but they made us strong, and unbeatable when we come thru the end of it.  ((HUGS))  I am humbled and amazed and glad to have you as a friend!!

Anytime you need to talk..............

[JimB]

What a devastating post.  It humbles me to think I've been to the bottom of the well and like the view from aboveground so much better, when your well was so much darker and deeper.  What an appreciation you must have for all the good things in your life now.

I see so little true courage in this world - it's truly inspiring when it appears.  Thank you so much for sharing.