anyone else feel grateful to be but wish...

[badperson_failure]

does anyone else feel grateful that they are out of the spell of an unhealthy relationship and see how much you lost true yourself but are broken hearted for the kids with such optimism and 'we'll never be our parents' love and determination and wish the lesson didn't have to be learned through the person you lost your innocence with, but there is nothing that can be done for what was destroyed forever?

i know its pointless to think of what could have been and the chances we that were there when we thought about couples counselling

i dont feel i could have become as good a person as i am now and wise and less passive and frustrated with life and more confident i can take care of myself (though this is something i know but as i am still so fearful at having lost innocent love and being alone at 30 and starting over in a new city) and definitely comfortable in my skin except for the mourning of the relationship.  but without him, this goodness is lost as far as the sweetness in life...i hear birds chirpping that it is spring and im so incredibly sad i dont have my x to share this with anymore.   i know i can feel good about myself esp after i rebuild my life.  but i really wish i could have another chance with my x even tho when i think about this it feels dead and he was emotionally scarred (pl dont judge me for this..i was the bad one yes but have put a stop to the patterns from my family and his forever)

anyways, i just had to get that out.  thanks for listening.

i know i all the sayings about wasting the present on looking back and such and moving forward and if im happy again ill be sure to find love.  i know im mourning a boy who is no longer in my x and that i destroyed him.  i know this board is primarily populated with people who were wronged.

its just really hard to mature and learn your first lesson at 30 and alone.   does anyone else feel like they were completely immature before this lesson?

also, im a purest and not into dating tho i should make an effort eventually to be open to meeting guys as friends so i see whats out there but so far its discouraging bc i had my x on an unhelathy pedastal (tho i believed in the pedastal so much i couldnt see how it was unhealhty but just empirical fact that every girl should desire him for everything inside and out and now i support i just see every girl who can be compatible with him should desire him bigtime and i dont see that as unhealthy but im notsure)...

im rambling...i guess cuas eim not working, as my x said 'i think you're fixating right now as you did in our relationship...i hope i dont sound judgemental'

i think im just mourning who we were....

i know how to be healthy but am not letting go bc im not busy enough...i just needed to get this out...thanks

[lemondrop]

"Does anyone else feel grateful that they are out of the spell of an unhealthy relationship and see how much you lost true yourself but are broken hearted for the kids with such optimism and 'we'll never be our parents' love and determination and wish the lesson didn't have to be learned through the person you lost your innocence with?"

Every day.

Hugs,
Lemondrop

[riversandlakes]

its just really hard to mature and learn your first lesson at 30 and alone.   does anyone else feel like they were completely immature before this lesson?

Through so much pain and late nights I know I have changed. Matured, definitely, maybe more, though ego prevents me from saying I was completely immature before this tragedy

More mature in the sense that these things, written through the ages, do happen, and I am no exception. Someone you love so dearly and make plans with can suddenly...die